I stand looking on as a single individual, the only person who is not surrounded by their own. My father’s community united with tradition look at me and then back at my father, they seem sorry, as if they are all holding back a secret. Another new group of people, people I have not seen before, they are bold, beautiful people dressed in a fashion that is new to me I don’t care for fashion but I like it, they make me want to look at them more, and they know this so they just stare through me and straight onto my father and what appears to be their leader playing a game of cards.
As gossip fills the air I breathe I feel suffocated not knowing who this handsome man is playing what appears to be the last game of poker my father will ever play. They both look serious. Among all the whispers I can only hear one name being mentioned. Max. This stranger is called Max. I’m trying to fight the temptation to go over and demand answers, who is this man everyone seems so cautious of? Why does my father look so worried? I turn to the Phui-dae, father’s most loyal eldest group of friends. My questions painted all over my face. Without words we exchanged a thousand, we cannot answer these questions for you Jenny.
Then I hear “you lose!” lose? Max has just won against my father, Max’s troop look extremely pleased and awfully smug. I approach the table and the whispers from Max’s troop are not so quiet I can hear everything they are saying. That silly young girl hasn’t a clue what her father has done. Bow down and let the true king come home. Maya would be spinning in her grave. I look to them with a pleading gesture and they laugh in my face.
I feel sick I don’t know where this is going to take us but right now it doesn’t feel right. My father looks old and weak compared to this young man, I have never seen him look that way. I soon realize there’s more to this than meets the eye.
I reach the table I place my hands on the back of my father’s back. He is sweating I can feel it on my hands. Max asks for a girl as his prize for winning the game of poker. Me and my father exchange looks, he might be handsome but he’s crazy. Never. Max’s eyes meet mine and I feel butterflies racing not only in my belly but through my veins. I stop breathing for this moment. He wants me. He points and says “just your girl will do me fine” objection forced from my father makes him stand tall and he towers in front of me. Max edges closer and whispers..“I gave you time to pay your debt, for thirty years I cried your name I will not give you one more hour I cannot save you from your shame” and then I understand they know each other, but how? From thirty years ago. My heart is asking my brain the questions and I seem to be getting them right.
Before I can speak to myself any more I hear “ you left her sir to weep alone, you left her sir to face the knife” gasps from every angle of hearing, it seems time has stood still. Father tries to explain he loved this woman and with that Max glances at me and then leaves. Leaving me alone with my father sitting at a table, I cannot control it question after question is being fired at him, “who is he? What happened thirty years ago? Who died? Who do you love? You never told me you loved anyone.” I’m not even giving him a chance to answer. I’m shaking his arm but he seems so heavy. “Please father answer me” “leave me be jenny” “no,answer my questions I love you don’t shut me out, let me help” “jenny leave me alone” “but I just want to help” and with that he roars at me “GO!” and suddenly I realize everything has gone dark.
i hae written tis peie of text as the chaacter jenny as you wil read.i was a littl unsure if i neded to describe the lightin and other visal fects, i anyone can gie me advic on thi that would be great! also leav comms and what works what doesnt etc
ReplyDeletethanks xx
hey Stephanie
ReplyDeleteThis piece is very different to others I have read. Most have written as an outsider watching. Rather than describing how the actual person feels, like you have done. I think the way you have approched this descriptive piece is really refreshing. I really enjoyed reading the piece. As it made me want to read more and find out what happens next.
Be careful of your lenght of sentences, as some are too long. "Another new group of people, people I have not seen before, they are bold, beautiful people dressed in a fashion that is new to me I don’t care for fashion but I like it, they make me want to look at them more, and they know this so they just stare through me and straight onto my father and what appears to be their leader playing a game of cards".
Also try reading the piece out loud to yourself to make sure the sentences flow correctly. For example I didn't feel this sentence flowed right. "My father’s community united with tradition look at me and then back at my father, they seem sorry, as if they are all holding back a secret".
Take a look at this to maximise your descriptive writing. It shows example's that might help you.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/78758/kill_adjectives_and_adverbs_descriptive.html?cat=9
Think about the five senses and including all aspects to your writing. Make sure the reader has the entire picture.
Did you write this yourself? Or is it based on a character?
Danielle
Hi Stephanie,
ReplyDeleteI found this piece of writing to be very interesting, thought provoking and enjoyable to read.
You have a talent for writing in such a way that makes the reader eager to read on.
However I found this piece of writing to be more focussed on the storyline and less on the descriptions within piece.
To make the piece more “descriptive”, I would suggest you simplify and possibly shorten the storyline. Perhaps if you think of the story as a scene in a film and then think of a still shot within that scene. Use this shot to create your piece of writing. You have created so many powerful images within the piece, so maybe just focus on one or two of these images and really expand on the detail within them.
I agree with Danielle in that you could use all of the senses to create a more vivid picture. For instance, if you were to see the room to be a smoky and unpleasant atmosphere then talk about that in detail and the effect that it has on Jenny.
Be aware that there are parts which are written as spoken words, but are not in inverted commas. As you have used speech marks in most of the piece, I would suggest you use them for all the speech to keep consistency in the style of the piece.
As Danielle mentioned, some of the sentence structure needs to be revised. Consider using more commas, semi colons and hyphens where necessary to help define the separate thoughts.
I hope this is of some use!
Laura-Beth
thats great thank you both, i agree with you that the sentences are too long, i think i ran away with my adjectives! but yes this info is very helpful and draft 2 will be up soon! thanks! x
ReplyDeleteStephanie
ReplyDeleteInteresting comments... for me this seems to be a bit of a story but as a reader I am not sure where I am. Are you describing a scene ( i.e. Laura-Beth's comment)? Who is your audience?
Paula
danielle, i played jenny in the show the attraction at Chicken Shed i have written it from her point of view. the peice was originally written by Mary Ward and then adapted and developed by Paul Morall. my apologises for the late reply.
ReplyDeleteyes paula I am describing a scene, from reading others i went from a different angle and decided to write from the characters perspective. I see what you mean that it is very much like I a story, I think aswell that might be because as has been mentioned my sentences are a bit too long. Do you agree ?
ReplyDelete